Bizarre

You know how there are those moments when you can’t find your sunglasses? Your eyes dart around for them; then, a split second later, you realize they are on your head? That’s what today feels like.

This morning, we dropped Suzianne off with Nanny D, the FABULOUS nanny we are sharing with an equally fabulous family near Dave’s work. We are doing this part-time for the next two weeks to break us both in gently before I go back to work.

I was teary-eyed from the moment I woke Suzianne up this morning. Yes, you read that correctly. She was still asleep at 7 a.m. {squeal!} {high five!} 

When we pulled up at the house, I got teary again; Suzianne was completely chill and was all, “Sup, ya’ll. I’m here. I’m sorry my mom is acting like a weirdo.”

And as I’m showing Nanny D how to swaddle Suzianne with one arm out, I realize that she’s resting happily and quite comfortably in Nanny D’s arms. Not a care in the world and cute as button.

I took a deep breath and followed Dave out to the car. And then cried. I got on the Metro and kept crying.

Although the first two hours without Suzianne were sad–as my fellow Metro riders will attest-since then, my time alone has just been bizarre. For the first time in 14 weeks, I’m not with her.

Back to the sunglasses: I keep feeling like I’ve forgotten Suzianne; like I’ve left her somewhere. For a split second, I look around for her in a panic, only to realize she’s with Nanny D.

When I got home this morning, I went for a run. In the middle of the run, I freaked out because it was–I was sure–close to Suzianne’s feeding time and I was not home. I quickly remembered she was not at home either.

It’s odd being in this apartment without her. When I got back from my run, I just sat on the floor and stared at her toys while noshing on a brunch of savory quinoa (thanks, Dave!) and Gatorade.

When I went to take a shower–during the day; with the door closed!–I took the monitor with me, then realized I was monitoring an empty nursery. New habits die hard:

As the day goes on, I am feeling more guilty about all this than sad. But just when I was starting to lose my mind a bit, I got the most wonderful text from Nanny D. Suzianne is doing great, of course. Her activities this morning have included eating, napping and “smiling at trees.”

If she’s happy, I’m happy. But this day feels like she’s taking one long nap. So, I can’t promise I won’t run back to her room in 30 minutes to check her breathing.

 

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